Medical school zombies

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In the midst of studying, I often look around the school and see an interesting phenomena - about two days before any given exam, the otherwise empty study rooms begin to fill to capacity with zombies. Not the kind that wants to eat your brains... unless, that is, they are able to absorb some of the information lodged therein for themselves.

These are students who are absent from lectures, libraries and study rooms 95% of the year to suddenly appear like rabid bunnies to devour their notes in the 48 hours prior to d-day. Most of these are normally fairly well adjusted kids who like all of us suffer from distractions and confusion with the lecture content. However, when they appear in their haste to cram, something interesting happens which, quite frankly, kind of scares me.

It is during this time that everyone gets a little grumpy. Minor disturbances in silent recesses of the "quiet study rooms" are met with shushes and 'zip its'. Annoyed glances are common-place among these hypersensitive scholars. Normally straight backs turn kyphotic and stooped. Hair that is typically well kept when hitting the bars on a school night is replaced with sex hair minus the sex. Eyes are buggy and hazy - absent of life or passion. Moods are generally more irritable and jittery. You can often look over at these students and see them staring at their notes from 5 inches away without moving a stitch or blinking or peeing in a 8 or 10 hour period. Seriously, I have seen a student or two not get up once in a full day. No eating, no pooping, no talking, no standing. This is a DVT's dream scenario (they should know better).

So, this must be normal, right? The normal physiological response to the abnormal stress thrown our way in medical school?

Nope. It's a shiny little pill called Adderall. This is the zombie drug that turns C students into A students in the space of 48 hours. This is what separates many top-of-the-class students from those of us who struggle to stay above the curve. This magic pill is a living miracle - a story which you can hear in any medical school hallway or lunch room. It is also an amphetamine. You might have heard of those before. Adderall's more notorious siblings are drugs like speed, crystal meth, and base. These are the drugs that parents fear most and that we see on crime dramas with crackheads who run around out of control. Don't be mistaken, Adderall is one of these drugs too, just the prescription form of the drug. It is often used in ADHD... or in college students for performance enhancement.

Don't get me wrong, there are people who need drugs like this. As with all medications there are appropriate uses which can benefit those with disabilities or psychological disorders. One of my good friends at school is one of these people. He's got the worst ADHD I've ever seen. However, the irony is that he is one of the minority at my medical school that isn't using the drug. He was prescribed and tried it but stopped taking the drug due to the negative effects - in short, he thought it was going to kill him.


My thought is this: if you don't need a drug to control your behavior when it isn't test week, then you probably shouldn't need it when tests are 2 days away. You know that anxiety you have before tests? It's called being human. We all get it. It's sad to think that what really separates an A from a B is drugs in some cases.

It's doping. 

Of course there are a few souls with abnormally massive brains who can pull off straight A's without a booster. I salute these animals. However, I have an inkling that these are the exception, not the rule.

People get all up in arms about the fact that Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs to win the Tour de France or that Barry Bonds juiced to be a better ball player. I'm interested as to why people are less concerned that future doctors or lawyers or pilots are doping. Is a student at the top of their class on Adderall really an A student? Are they going to rely on uppers to keep them in the zone while they operate on you?

This isn't a new phenomenon. It's been going on for years and years. It will probably go on for many more. However, all I know is that while I am not a straight-A student, I can feel proud that I earned every single grade I got without the assistance of a chemical study partner. Doing it the old fashioned way is painful and tiring and makes me looked retarded in comparison with some of my classmates... but at least I can say it was all me. And maybe a few 5-hour energy drinks.



Geeky Poetry: Week 2

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The Sciences Sing a Lullabye

by Albert Goldbarth


Physics says: go to sleep. Of course
you're tired. Every atom in you
has been dancing the shimmy in silver shoes
nonstop from mitosis to now.
Quit tapping your feet. They'll dance
inside themselves without you. Go to sleep.

Geology says: it will be all right. Slow inch
by inch America is giving itself
to the ocean. Go to sleep. Let darkness
lap at your sides. Give darkness an inch.
You aren't alone. All of the continents used to be
one body. You aren't alone. Go to sleep.

Astronomy says: the sun will rise tomorrow,
Zoology says: on rainbow-fish and lithe gazelle,
Psychology says: but first it has to be night, so
Biology says: the body-clocks are stopped all over town
and
History says: here are the blankets, layer on layer, down and down.

Geeky Poetry: Week 1 (a second helping)

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The nutritional value of brains


stooped behind a guarded wall
I watch the world devoured
and consider the nutritional value
and taste of brains
modified by the stuff
packed inside

that kid I’m watching there:
his head ripped off
had brains so sweet
(lobes of confectioners sugar)
filled with cartoons or video games
Nothing good is contained inside

so the undead search on
with his saccharine taste
dripping from their lips

my voyeuristic glances
unearth a fantasy draft interrupted
by flesh-eating hordes
in search of tonight’s fix
They end up disappointed
by lack of sustenance and flavor

suddenly it dawns on me
that the apocalypse will
be short-lived
since those brains filled
with Mieville and Le Guin
number few among the living

Far more are the brains
filled with rubbish
and artificial sweetener
They will never sustain a
starving mass plagued
with decomposition

so I plan to wait it out
For if zombies survive
on the nutritional value of brains
it won’t be long before they
expire of malnutrition

Geeky poem of the week

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How I saved Planet Earth 

by Raj Arumugam


in the deserted streets last night
the Aliens pointed their laser
and equipment at me
and one of them said:
“Take me to your Leader.”
And hoping to pocket
all the presents
they might have brought
I said:
“Well, I am the Leader
of all Planet Earth.”
And the Aliens
conferred awhile
(as I waited in anticipation
of the presents they might pull out for me)
and one of them turned to me
and the gender-negative Creature said:
“Hail, Leader of All Planet Earth!
Our Intelligence Measurement Devices
give a Low Life Form reading on you;
and so we can deduce
what even Lower Life Forms you must lead” –
and then this gender-negative Creature
turned to the other Aliens and declared:
“Lets’ go. This planet’s not worth our time.”
And thus did I save the Earth
though I wish, at least, those Aliens
had left me some presents for my trouble…

ummmm..... okay

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truth

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Geek Art: Lady Edition

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I would really love to get my hands on a copy of these superhero lady prints by Baz Pringle. They remind me of my more innocent days on those saucy nights when I was a little nipper staying up late reading comics and would catch a frame of Catwoman or Wonder Woman and my tiddly-bits would get all tingly. Of course those were the olden days...







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